12.29.08

Belated Holiday Wishes

Posted in The ins and outs.... at 12:14 pm by smarriott

Whew. What a holiday season this has been! It was like that dream you have where you’re running from scene to scene quickly with everyone you know somewhere in the background. When you wake up your mind is somewhat swimming because so much happened in such a short time. It was great really, aside from the time where I started getting cranky from too little sleep. I’ve been doing that lately. I love working nights. Less family to deal with, less doctor interactions. In the morning, however, I may or may not be tired and I may or may not sleep eight hours. It’s a toss up really. I always make up for the lost sleep, but I just may sleep 12-13 hours in one night to do it. Just a little bit of chaos to keep me on my toes.

This holiday I’ve been very introspective, I think. Maybe a little too serious. I’ve been thinking a lot about birth and death. I’ve been pretty close to death these past two weeks, not me personally, but close to those dying. Its just part of the job, I guess. They say that medical professionals have a tendency to depersonalize, thinking of patients in terms of their disease processes rather than individual traits and personalities. I can see that. I think I’ve done that recently. That’s a hard thing to bear, I think, and somewhat shaming. Knowing that a person before you, you may or may not have thought of as their own unique individual. Its a coping technique, I know. Still, its a hard thing to put my head around. I hope that each person I’ve made as comfortable as possible and that I’ve treated as respectfully as I can.

Being close to death makes you think a lot about your own death, I think. I don’t want to be in a hospital when I die. I don’t want to be around strangers without family or my dogs, but I don’t want to make those close to me watch me die either. I don’t want to die alone with tubes and monitors or breathing machines and constant noise. I don’t want to die and immediately be put in a bag and shipped to the morgue only to know that my room will soon be occupied by someone else who may or may not die there, too. It’s a pessimistic notion, I realize. Except, I think that at times hospitals give a very pessimistic view of life. It can be hopeful, too, but not this week. At least not for me. Anyway, as far as the birth thing. I’ve been surrounded by new life and young kids this week; that can always bring one out of the doom and gloom perspective. Circle of life, I guess. While I can appreciate that and the presence of little one, I’m not yet willing to add to that circle, but maybe someday.

I had a crazy dream last night. I can’t remember all of it, but I know it incorporated my holiday theme of frequent scene changes and quite possibly every single person I know. It was almost as crazy as this Damien Rice video for “Nine Crimes”. One of my favorite songs these days.

Another favorite is this song by The Weepies “World Spins Madly On”. I’ll share that with you, too. You may just see a similar theme here of doom and gloom, but I’m not going to think too hard about it right now. I’ll save the happy tunes for my Yelapa and Italy trips! That’s right folks. If the price is right I may be going to Italy in August!! Too many balls in the air for a definite right now, but let’s just say the percentage is in favor of going. My god it’s Italy for crying out loud!!!!!

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